It's hard to be yourself.
In this world that is so harsh and judgmental, where images of perfection are sold to us everywhere we look, it is really hard to embrace who you are and to live from that place.
It is a rare person these days who is truly confident and comfortable in their own skin.
This is a conversation that comes up a lot in my work, because the pressure for perfection that exists in our society is amped up even higher when you are struggling. Especially if you are struggling with social anxiety. When you are deeply afraid of people seeing the real you. This anxiety can make the idea of living as your true self paralyzing and overwhelming - where would you even start?!
Yet, what I know to be true, is that real freedom and peace come when you can move even a small step towards living more authentically. When you actually take time to learn who you really are (because so often we hide this even from ourselves!) and start embracing that. Showing up in your life as you.
Being real.
Living your life trying to please everyone else, or make it so that you are always approved of is exhausting! That life of perfection also doesn't exist and it is deeply painful to try and maintain. Instead, I encourage you to make your goal being real, or authentic - whatever term fits best for you. Imagine how much freedom you would feel if you didn't worry about whether you said or did the right thing, whether you looked okay, if other people liked you... imagine if you could rest comfortably in the knowledge that you approve of yourself. That who you are, how you speak, what you share, think, feel, believe is okay - regardless of how other people view it. If opinions and expectations and judgements didn't de-stabilize you. If you knew who you really were and you showed up that way.
The process of getting to this place is just that, a process. While I know there can be a sense of desperation and urgency to be there now, it really does come one step at a time. It will also never stay a constant stable state. Life will be hard and storms will come. People and situations will come into your life that make you feel more insecure or self-doubting, and yet the foundation that you build within yourself will always be there for you to return to. It is a solid ground that no one and no circumstance can take away.
So how do you begin??
The first step I encourage you to take if you are on board with living from this more authentic place, is to set the intention to do just that. This is a decision that will have to be made many times, sometimes day to day or even moment to moment, so getting clear on the fact that this IS how you want to live is key. Chances are, you have been living your life for other people for a long time so it will take practice to start dropping into your more authentic self and living from that place.
Secondly, make time to get to know yourself! If you do not know who you truly are, what makes you feel good, what you think, need, desire, prefer, etc., than you can't expect to show up that way in the rest of your life. How you go about getting to know yourself will be unique to you, but I recommend carving out intentional time to be with yourself and be radically honest. I also recommend starting a journaling practice where you can get your true thoughts and feelings down on paper (which is healing and cathartic in itself), and so you can go back and remind yourself of them later. You would be surprised at what you can learn about yourself and your experience from a regular journaling practice.
Bring curiosity and play to this process! What did you used to love doing as a child? Explore it now! What do you already know you enjoy? Spend time doing that. What do you feel curious about? Let yourself try it. This could be in small ways from a particular drink or type of food, to dressing a certain way, trying new activities, anything. Let yourself play and have fun with this, taking the pressure off. This may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but continually redirect yourself to the present moment and your intention of getting to you know yourself more deeply when judgements or hard feelings arise.
Find people who can support you in this process. People who encourage you to live from your True self and who you can start sharing what you are learning about yourself with, beginning to practice this more authentic living. If you don't feel you have this in your life currently, seek out a therapist, coach, or healer (whatever resonates), or even look into online forums where other people are also engaging in this process. It is so important to have support.
Self-compassion is crucial. This will all be new, you are learning to show up in the world and in your life in a different way, and that is never easy. It also takes real work. As a result, you are not going to get it right all the time and, even if you do start showing up more authentically, it may feel deeply uncomfortable for awhile. That is normal, yet it can feel very distressing. If you can find ways to be patient in this process, offer yourself some kindness and compassion, and be gentle with yourself when things don't go so well, that will help you to continue moving forward. I would also argue that being compassionate with yourself is part of showing up more authentically. I believe your True self is one that would never attack or shame you for hard times or struggles (that is a learned response - a deeper discussion for a different post), so the more you can drop into a place of gentleness for yourself the more authentic you are really being. Again, this is a practice. What is important is not how 'well' you do this, but instead your intention and the courage to continue.
Living authentically can be hard and sometimes scary work, but it is so worth it. Even the small moments when you can drop into this place feels empowering. It is a relief to start ignoring the noise around you and get in touch with yourself, honoring what feels right and true for you.
I hope you give yourself the gift of getting to know you. You deserve it.
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