
So often with anxiety, we want to wait until we feel comfortable before moving forward. Until everything is perfectly mapped out, we feel confident and secure in ourselves, and we know the situation will unfold with ease.
Unfortunately, if this is the approach we take, we will be waiting for that moment for the rest of ours lives.
While it can seem like the most obvious response, waiting for things to be perfect or for us to feel ready only builds our anxiety. From the perspective of neuroscience, it only provides our brain with more evidence that we can't do something (which is often what we fear) and strengthens the neural connections that reinforce that. Over time, if you avoid, you will notice that your anxiety over the situation just gets worse.
This is a hard truth that eventually we have to accept.
I share this without judgment. I, too, have fallen into the trap of thinking I need to wait until things are better, further along, or I feel more confident before acting. It is so normal! Anxiety is a danger signal in the body and when that alarm is sounding, the last thing that feels right is to ignore it and push through. However, after years of my own struggles with anxiety, studying it, and sitting with many clients in similar situations, I can definitively tell you that while it provides some comfort in the moment, waiting only makes things much worse.
What you actually need is to go forward - take the leap, risk being seen, be vulnerable, and show up before you feel confident. This can be a big ask, but it is, unfortunately, the way forward.
Brené Brown put it best when she said:
"we can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time."
When you are faced with a situation that you are anxious about, when you feel shaky and unsure, know first and foremost that you are not alone. Many others have been (and will be) in similar spots. Such is the nature of the human condition. But know that your inclination to hold out until you feel more confident will only make things harder. The day you are waiting for when you wake up and finally feel unshaken by the situation will not come. Instead, what you need is the courage to be uncomfortable.
If you cannot change the anxiety and uncertainty, or perhaps never eliminate it entirely, then you need to be willing to be uncomfortable and show up anyway. To acknowledge that you might still feel anxious, but it doesn't take away from you abilities. That you might doubt yourself, and that is normal - you are doing something new. That you may not know exactly what will happen or what to do, and that's okay. You will get through it and you will learn. One step at at time. Bearing the discomfort of being in the in-between; no longer waiting in what is familiar and not yet able to fully trust that it will be okay. This is uncomfortable (the in-between always is) and you can handle it.
By encouraging you to be willing to tolerate discomfort, I do not mean to suggest that you just have to jump, no safety net, into a situation that terrifies you. Instead, I hope that you will start taking steps to work towards that jump, and find ways to make the discomfort of diving in a little more bearable. That is what tools and practices are for - they are anchors in hard moments. Something to keep us steady and afloat when we feel like we are drowning. Lean on those things that bring you a sense of safety, calm, and security. The people, practices, places, and spaces that remind you that you are so much more than your fears.
Find a therapist you trust before you take the leap. Build a relationship with them, make sure you feel safe with them, and schedule appointments around the situation so that you will be supported.
Learn what works to soothe your anxiety. Anxiety is the brain's response to a perceived threat, and it kicks our sympathetic nervous system into gear (our fight/flight/freeze response). In order to move through this, you need to find ways that work for you to soothe that reaction and come back to a more regulated state.
One of the ways to do this is through the breath (deep, diaphragmatic breathing with your exhale longer than your inhale), as well as intentionally relaxing your muscles - which naturally constrict when we are afraid. All of this cues your nervous system that the danger has passed. However, there is nuance to this and what works for one person may not work for another. Experiment with different things to see what offers you the greatest relief and, if you're working with a therapist, ask them to help you find tools you can turn to when anxiety is high - they will have some ideas!
Journal - get all of your fears onto the page. By writing them out you can slow your mind down, get some reprieve from worry, and start seeing what you are actually afraid of. From there you can start working with your fearful thoughts so they don't hold as much power over you.
Intentionally encourage and reassure yourself that you can do this. I know this likely feels hard (and perhaps impossible) if you regularly tell yourself the opposite, or your head is filled with self-doubt and fears more often than not. However, you do have some control over what you choose to think about and you can intentionally start to fill your mind with reassurance that you are capable, good enough, and it is going to be okay. Try it, you might be surprised at the effect it can have.
Ask for support from your loved ones. Telling your friends and family that you are planning to take steps towards something that scares you is vulnerable, I know, but it also offers you the opportunity to be supported and loved through the discomfort. Getting a hug at the end of the day, having someone make dinner for you, or receiving an encouraging text from a friend that they believe in you and are there to debrief afterwards can go a long way. You don't have to do it all alone.
Connect with your WHY. When discomfort arises (which it will) you need a reason to continue to push through. Spend time reflecting on why moving forward in this way matters to you and what you are doing it for. I encourage you to write this out where you can refer back to it (a journal, on your phone, etc.). This can become an anchor as you move forward.
I wish I could offer you the solution; the perfect tool or way of thinking that would eliminate your anxiety and allow you to move forward with ease. However, in this life so much is unknown, so we must learn to be in those in-between spaces. Build up our capacity to tolerate discomfort when it arises and find anchors and supports to lean on when things feel shaky. Just because you are afraid of the next step, or believe you are not ready, doesn't mean you can't do it. You absolutely can, and the sooner you begin taking steps towards that goal the sooner you will begin to believe it and move through the fear.
It is tempting to choose comfort, especially when anxiety feels so distressing, but I hope you choose courage.
It's hard, but it's worth it.
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