Ambivalence in Eating Disorder Recovery: When Part of You Wants Recovery and Part of You Doesn't

Why Ambivalence in Eating Disorder Recovery Is Normal

Ambivalence in eating disorder recovery is completely normal. If there is a part of you that wants recovery and a part that wants to hold onto the eating disorder, you are not doing anything wrong.

When you first start recovery, or perhaps even consider what recovery might look like, having mixed feelings about it is not only completely normal, it is expected. Often, clients will tell me that they feel ashamed of these mixed feelings and assume they are doing something wrong. This couldn't be further from the truth.

Ambivalence is a part of recovery.

Mixed feelings do not mean you don’t want recovery enough. They mean a part of you is trying to protect something important.

Why the Eating Disorder Feels Hard to Let Go Of

No matter how destructive and consuming your eating disorder has become, it is serving a purpose.

I truly believe that, as humans, we don’t do anything that isn’t adaptive in some way—even if we can’t logically understand it, and even if it also causes us suffering.

Whether it is to help soften emotions, help you feel more in control when life feels overwhelming, give you a greater sense of self-worth, or something else entirely, you developed an eating disorder for a reason.

Of course the idea of giving up something that has probably helped you in some (if not many) ways would feel scary! I would honestly be surprised if it didn't stir up complicated feelings.

In the beginning, recovery may only show up as small moments: little glimpses of curiosity, brief desires for things to be different, or tiny windows where the eating disorder loosens its grip. The rest of the time, the eating disorder may still feel very locked in.

Again, this is completely normal and to be expected.

How to Work With Mixed Feelings in Recovery

What matters is not that you feel ambivalence, but what you do with it. You don’t need to be fully in or fully on board with recovery right away—this takes time. Instead, try following those small moments when the eating disorder lifts, even just slightly, and leaning into the little cracks where curiosity, hope, or resolve begin to come through.

I also highly recommend exploring the mixed feelings you are having. Journaling can be a great place to start, but therapy can be an essential part of this process. A therapist can help you explore what it might mean to let go of the eating disorder, and also what it might mean to hold onto it. This is important work.

You Do Not Need Certainty to Begin

Ambivalence is not a sign that you are doing recovery wrong, it is an important part of the process.

You do not need certainty, or great motivation, to begin. You only need to keep following the small cracks where hope, curiosity, and possibility begin to arise.

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If this post connected with you, I’m really glad you’re here.

I’m Brandy Mackintosh, a North Vancouver–based counsellor working with eating disorders and anxiety. You’re always welcome to reach out, learn more, or book a session if it feels right for you.